The verdict is in..............
The verdict is in. I've got shit, lots of shit and my dad is the reason I got it. Hey, not only do I have shit, I am a shit. Because of my shit, I treat people like shit (I shit on them). I see the world through a pile of shit. I drive to work through shit. Because of my shit, whenever I eat, I eat shit. I work "up to my ears in shit". I look around, "it's all just shit". My shit keeps me from being the person I "should" be. When something goes wrong, "who gives a shit". You get it now, it all went for a shit.
Sue and I went to see a councilor. We went to find out if there were mental issues which may hamper fertility. That took about ten minutes. This guy is good. It made sense to both of us. I was ready to leave...............Ah, not so quick sonny! Reign her in buckaroo, whoa nelly. Back up a step, holdit! Then we got into the shit.
I like to keep my day on an even keel, like about three emotions per day, max. I kind of overshot. I had FEAR, ANGER, SHAME, STUPIDITY, SADNESS and several I haven't quite processed yet, in the span of about 6 minutes. I became a blathering idiot for about 3 minutes. I really wanted to run away for about 10 minutes. I nearly peed myself.......twice and my stomach was upset for the rest of the day, because of my shit.
But here's the punch line, I also learned a lot about a part of myself that I don't see. I suspect I don't see it because I don't like it. From comments I've heard, most people don't like it either. I'ts a part of me I've hidden away, that protects me somehow. I learned how to recognize it and change it if I want. I think everyone would like to be a better person, I know I would. Wellness is striving, everyday, to be a better person. I forget that sometimes.
As for my dad, he did the best he could with the tools he had. I don't blame him a bit. Our job, is to do better than our parents. I hope to.
I can't begin to tell you how hard it was for me go. Now that I've done it once, I'll probably go again. It only left a little mark. I'll let you know in a year if I need a dumptruck or just a small handbag for my shit.
2 comments:
Rain is only rain and shit is only shit, right? You sound quite down on yourself on that blog. You aren't a bad dude, stop doing that. I love you. I will never stop loving you, even if it takes you years to trudge through all your shit, I will still be here, helping you fill the dumptruck. Now wasn't it nice to "see" the shit now, as compared to way later on? You'll do fine, keep it up.
Love you!
We all love you and support you here too. It probably feels better coming out than staying in, don't you think? The shit I mean. I think everyone has a pile of shit that is lurking behind them. But truly it's pretty much all the same shit just a different pile. I'm not sure what else to say, but I have always looked up to you and the man you are. I think you are the farthest thing from a bad person. I love you like you were my own father. It's amazing how much easier it is to write this to you on a website than say to your face. I guess I have to learn that it's good to hear too.
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